This Is the #1 Response a Gaslighter Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists

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Gaslighting has entered the pop culture lexicon, earning it the distinction of Merriam-Webster 2022 "Word of the Year." Ironically, the actual definition of gaslighting has gotten lost in the social media sauce.

"Gaslighting is when someone knows something that they are saying is false, but they tell it to you as if it is true to undermine your sense of what is real," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "It is an effort to manipulate a person’s view of reality with the intention to cause harm, and it falls into the category of abusive."

Understanding phrases that make a gaslighter tick (or tick them off) is arguably as important as knowing the precise definition of gaslighting. In fact, it can help you more accurately determine whether or not you're being gaslit.

"It’s a good idea to understand what phrases bother a gaslighter because you’ll be able to discern if someone is gaslighting you that much easier," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "Awareness is your greatest asset when you are dealing with a gaslighter, so the more you can be aware of what bothers them, the more prepared you are to protect yourself." Dr. Smith adds that it can also help you avoid unproductive conversations.

Psychologists share the number one response a gaslighter cannot stand (and when to use and avoid it). They also discuss a few runner-up phrases that grind a gaslighter's gears.

The No. 1 Phrase That a Gaslighter Can't Stand

It's more of a type. Dr. Smith says gaslighters find it hard to argue when you use "any phrase that acknowledges differences of perception but does not cave in to their view or recollection and completely eliminate validity in your view or recollection."Dr. Smith says two examples of this type of phrase would be: "I clearly hear we have different versions of what happened" and “I know we’re remembering things differently, and I’m sure there’s some validity to what we’re each recalling.” Other psychologists offer similar phrases. Dr. McGeehan recommends: "You have your reality, and I have mine."  Dr. Patty Johnson, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist at Nia Integrative Healing, suggests: "It’s a matter of different perspectives."

Why These Phrases Work (And Annoy a Gaslighter)

Like other aspects of abuse, gaslighting can be a power game for the perpetrator. When you maturely acknowledge that you may have different perceptions, you let a gaslighter know you aren't going to play along.

"It honors what the other person is saying, holds to your own perspective and truth, and moves the conversation along—literally," Dr. McGeehan says. "It also takes your power back. Because the truth is that we all have our own subjective realities because our perspective is always colored by our history.

"While a gaslighter might not like the phrase, they also might back off."Gaslighting is often diffused by another’s calm demeanor, emotional grounding and objective stance," Dr. Johnson explains. "The more reactive the recipient of gaslighting, the more manipulation can be used to deny responsibility. Pointing out that different perspectives co-exist is factual, establishes a sense of order and redirects attention back to the issue, versus focusing on strong opposing emotions."

While these clutch and calm phrases manage to tick a gaslighter off and disarm them, psychologists warn there's a time and a place to pull them out.

"People should only be using this phrase in a conversation where there isn’t room for retaliation, and they are physically safe," Dr. McGeehan says. Dr. Johnson agrees, adding, "They may be best for times when tension is present, but there is also some display of self-awareness within the person who is gaslighting." On the other hand, Drs. McGeehan and Johnson advise against using these phrases if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, as "this statement may further incite the person who is gaslighting," Dr. Johnson says.

Other Unpopular Phrases With Gaslighters

1. "I trust my feelings and know what I experienced, saw and heard."

This one is more direct than the phrases acknowledging the possibility of different perspectives. Sometimes, you need to take a bigger step into your power."It shows the gaslighter that you are steadfast in your perceptions of interactions, and you know what is based in reality despite their attempts to alter it," says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist.

2. "Let’s step back and review the facts.”

Facts aren't a favorite of gaslighters, but they matter."It re-frames the discussion to focus on facts, minimizing emotive manipulation," Dr. Stratyner says of the phrase.

3. "I need time to process what you just said.”

Gaslighting can throw you for a loop—that's the point. Taking a beat may annoy them, but it could benefit you.

"The pause allows you to process the interaction and buy time before responding," Dr. Stratyner says. "It sends a message to the gaslighter that you are not easily swayed and allows you to fully process before responding."

The No. 1 Mistake When Talking to a Gaslighter

"Do not ever, ever say, 'You’re lying,'" Dr. Stratyner says. "This statement makes the gaslighter angry, which might ignite a full-blown fight." While you're here to learn the No. 1 phrase that a gaslighter can't stand, this one isn't worth using.

"Your focus should never be on attacking character, which invites offense and perhaps retaliation," Dr. Stratyner says. "Instead, it’s far more productive to talk about how they made you feel rather than what kind of person they are." It's also a losing battle.

"The person is firmly entrenched in their view and in working to exert power over you to see it their way, so is unlikely to concede anything," Dr. Smith explains. "Remember, gaslighting is about using manipulation in an effort to control a person’s view of something that has happened, so arriving at the truth is not involved for the person who is engaging in gaslighting."